My Perspective

Because of some things I have said recently, a few of you have asked, "What happened, Johnny? Why did you leave Christianity and the church?"

The answers, not surprisingly, are difficult to explore, and somewhat complicated in and of themselves. Nevertheless, I shall try and bring satisfaction - once and for all - to those enquiring minds that wish to know the truth.

And to be honest, I do so only because, once and for all, I wish to arrow this matter into the bull’s-eye. Let us face the subject squarely: it's not like this is anyone's business. With that point illuminated, I must note that for those that I led to Christianity, I do believe I owe you an explanation. I'm not exactly sure why, but I do feel that some sort of elucidation should be extended to at least a few of you. Let us get on with the paying and cleansing.

2001. Roughly. You may consider 9-11, but 9-11 was only a small bit of the catalyst. There were many other things that figured into the mix. I don't have a Bible in front of me, nor do I feel like getting up and searching one out. As such, I'm going to ask the reader to trust me. I know the Bible fairly well, and I can tell you that if I say a matter can be found in the Scripture, I assure you this much: the matter exists. Having been misled by charlatans and wolves in sheep's clothing, I give you my word that I would never pay that forward.

I wish I could remember exactly what set me to drifting, but I cannot, and I will not lie about the matter. One incident that immediately comes to mind, and this is sad to say because of the implications, but I remember an interview I did with the elders of the church I last regularly attended. You see, I felt sure that I had been called into being a pastor. I told my pastor of this, and he suggested I meet with the elders. We met in the private home of one well-to-do elder (they were all well-to-do, and no matter what one may counter with, I believe in that church, wealth was a prerequisite to holding the elder position). There were 5 men present – the pastor, three elders, and yours truly. Difficult, probing questions were asked of me - questions that now, for the most part, escape my memory. There was one question I shall never forget, and it came from a lawyer. He asked me with a voice-tonal quality I would call disdain, if not outright disgust, "Have you ever been arrested?" Not an inappropriate question to be sure, but this man, as noted, a lawyer by trade, seemed to have absolutely no feeling for me, or the circumstances I found myself in during this inquisition.

The answer, by the way, was, and still is: no. I have never been arrested. Close? Yep, but I have never, as an inmate in any case, darkened the door of any jail. The deeper truth here is that it was the questioner’s body language, past history with me, his clearly evident condescension – the man the elder – a man I’d tried to get to know. I had tried to understand his perspective on life, but let us face it: I was, back in those days, an aircraft maintenance guy, and he was a lawyer – a well-to-do lawyer. To me, it was obvious he recognized and cultivated a self-imposed social barrier. Honestly, I mean nothing against this man. He was, no doubt, doing what he does best, and I could have misinterpreted his tone of voice and his mannerisms. It is also quite possible that I could have done more to get to know this guy. Whatever the case may be, the force of the moment is now lost in time’s great and long list of misplaced opportunities for understanding and mutual edification.

But this situation and this man were a turn-off for me. I walked away from that meeting confused. I was sure I’d felt God’s call into the ministry, but after the meeting, I was sure it was all a huge mistake on my part. Me – so in tune with God and His will – or so I thought – left the meeting with confusion as to God’s intentions regarding what I felt was a sure call upon my life.

I warned you about this blog. It is difficult to construct. Tortuous even – more so in the reading for some of you that care about me.

I remember when I finally decided I did not believe anymore. One night sleepless and distraught for many hours, and this is hard for me to admit openly and publicly like this, I tossed and turned and I sobbed into my pillow. I cried over the loss of God’s personal closeness. To me, it felt like my best friend had passed away, and no matter how much I prayed and tried to make my friend come back and connect with that part of me that I thought knew Him so well, I felt nothing. I felt as if God’s Holy Spirit had left me. I did not leave. I tell you the truth when I say I did not want to go, and I did not want God to go.

By now, I am sure you have sensed the disorganized nature of this blog. This sort of writing is all feelings. Feelings rarely come out in a logical, controlled, rational manner. For those of you that have stuck with me this long, I can only apologize while begging your indulgence, for more disorganization is sure to appear below.

I sat in church one Sunday and considered how if every person in attendance there that day, how if for the next year, all present plucked not one eyebrow hair, not one nostril hair, not one ear hair, shaved or groomed no part of their body – what would we see at year’s end upon gathering back at the church? Use your imagination. It is safe to say you’d see humans resembling apes appareled in Sunday finery. Such musings may seem silly and inconsequential, but I invite you to think deeply about the matter. Our ancestors discovered grooming many centuries ago, and as such, we have lost touch with our ancient roots. Such thoughts led me to deeper investigations into natural selection and evolution.

Science is your friend. Consider this: if tomorrow, you woke up to find the mass media trumpeting, “Scientists Find Irrefutable Evidence That Jesus Christ is God,” every Christian would be heralding the efficacy and fineness of science. Science and scientists would be, suddenly, incapable of committing any sort of error. To be fair, most of us want to use and trust science, but only when it does not threaten our beliefs. It is safe to say that religious people of every sort and variety very strongly believe in science when their children are sick and require something as ubiquitous as an antibiotic. Certainly, at that time, we all hope science has done its homework regarding the adaption and evolution of the organism the medicine is meant to kill. Certainly, it is then that each of us hopes the prescribing doctor (a scientist of sorts) has done his or her level-best to use the tools of science to correctly and efficiently make a diagnosis and prescription.

Pardon me that digression. It is not my wish here in this blog to begin an argument with Christians or believers of any stripe or sort. I am trying to tell my story – as disjointed and leaded with feelings as it is – I do find it hard to keep the arrow flying straight to the target.

Mostly though, it was people. Christians are promised power. They are promised real, genuine power. The source of that power, if one is to believe the Bible, is God’s Holy Spirit. The God of the Bible is said to be, among other descriptive adjectives, “omnipotent,” or, as we say here in America, “All-powerful.” The New Testament, in various places, but specifically in the book of Acts, tells the early church how they shall receive God’s power when the Holy Spirit comes “upon you.” In the original Greek manuscript, the word the writer of Acts selected is “dunamis.” Dunamis is ancient Greek for “power.” In our day and age, modern English has evolved from this ancient Greek root word our English words, “dynamic” and “dynamite.” According to this Scripture, Christians should be something not unlike dynamite in their power. Keep in mind that in order to become a Christian, one must say some words and believe some facts. At that decision point, it is said that God’s all-powerful Holy Spirit has come upon the believer. I saw no evidence of such a thing. What I did see in the church and among Christians was something akin to a social club. Don’t believe me? If you’re in business for yourself, put a cross and a snappy Bible verse on your business card. You will, I promise you, get an increase in the number of inquiries from Christians. But, that is merely a side point. In the Christian social club, I saw no real evidence of this power of God. Remember, Christians should be something like literal dynamite. That sort of power, one would think, should preclude “sinning.” It did not. I witnessed (and still witness) petty jealousies, affairs, greed, lying, indifferent consignment to hell of unbelievers and other gross negligence and inconsiderations that should have no place among any decent and moral people – let alone a people whose main claim-to-fame is one of how an all-powerful God has implanted them with his “dynamite” Spirit.

Now, I can tell you here how dedicated and committed Christians will answer the claims I have made above – claims that are to me a devastating and damning charge against their belief system. They will say, “Johnny, you’re looking at the sins of humans and blaming God.” Damn straight. Remember, this Spirit these Christians are said to have in-dwelling them is said to be all-powerful, or as the Scripture says, “dunamis.” By definition, what can be more powerful than an omnipotent God? Yet, somehow, we are to believe this power is only as good as the person harboring it. If so, what good is it?

For now, I will stop here. I have told only part of the story. There is more. I intend to tell it, but for the present time, I have said enough. Let me close by saying to my Christian friends that I harbor no hatred or disrespect for you. I wish each of you nothing but the best, and I do hope that one day each of you will realize how exclusive your religion is, and how the exclusivity of all religions (as practiced by their true-believers) will most likely lead to the destruction of this planet.