Day's Darkness

One of the few things I like about having this "secret blog" is that my two sons do not know about it. I can come here and write about them without them knowing it. You may ask, "Why is that important to you, Johnny D?"

Because, there are some things that I just need to get off my chest. They do not need to know everything that I am thinking.

My youngest son is 19. He shows all the hallmarks of a young man trying to find himself. About six months ago it was the Marines. Well, he's had some orthodontic work done, and one result of that work is some metal in his jaw. The Marines required a waiver for that work. My son duly applied and sent in all the required information. No response. I'm not surprised, because as I saw on the news just yesterday - all of the U.S. military branches have exceeded their recruiting goals. Of course they have - the economy is all but destroyed - unless you're a state or federal employee.

Anyhow, as I said, he shows all the signs of a young man trying to find his place in the world. I want to help him, and I told him as much last evening. I said, "Son, you were going to college and didn't like your course of study. Then you tried to get into the Marines. Have you heard anything more from them?"

His reply, "No."

Me, "Are you sure, or are you just embarrassed to say they rejected you because of your dental work?"

Him, "No, Dad, I honestly have not heard one way or the other."

Me, "OK. Well, now you're talking about making Publix a career. What is that all about."

Him, "Well, I work there now, so I just thought...

Me, "Look, I want you to know that no matter what you end up doing, your mother and I are proud of you. You're a fine young man, and you give us no real trouble. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, son. I know you're 19 now, and you're wanting to find your place in the world, but sometimes it just takes some folks a bit longer. Sure, your mom and I wish you were all fired-up about going to college and scoring some great grades, but we understand where you're coming from. I have always told you that as long as you stay out of trouble, you can stay here at home as long as you like - and I meant that. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up, son. Take as much time as you need."

He thanked me, and said, "I love you, Dad." You know how I replied, "I love you too, son." Those four words he said to me are the best. They really make my day. Yet, I walked away feeling like there was something else I could have said - some thought I could have voiced that would have made him feel better about his place in the world.

As I reflected upon our conversation, I silently cried to myself. There was nothing else left for me to do. I realized, deep in my heart, that I wanted to make the world all good for him, and the deepest part of that realization was that I could not. Ultimately, no man can do anything but his best, and then things must just work out the way they are going to work out.

I have to let him go to the world, but I must tell you - I hate the world we have created for him. It is full of liars, haters, cheaters, rapists, war-mongers, thieves, adulterers, rapists, murderers, and other unsavory characters that care only for themselves and their immediate gratification.

My son is a good young man, and he will have to sacrifice so much to have a better world. It shouldn't be him making the sacrifice. It should be me.

Saving Johnny D.

For those few of you at the Watchdog blog that have taken the time to "preach" to me regarding Christianity and your beliefs, I thank you. Yet, that blog is not the right place for that sort of thing. WD has a specific beef with FBCJ, and he uses his blog to chronicle that beef, as well as to offer and gain support from others of a like mind. If you wish to converse with me regarding your beliefs, then please do so here or through e-mail. It is not right to use WD's blog for what amounts to something that is not really related to the main purpose of his blog.

For the record, I do skim over what you all write there to me, but you must understand I have heard it all before. In fact, I have quite thoroughly studied the issues and verses and thoughts you all have brought up. When you go into preaching mode, my eyes tend to roll back in my head and I drift away. As I said, I have heard it all before. Not only have I heard it, but I believed it. Completely. You must understand that. It really is possible for someone to thoroughly and completely believe something, and then have a change of mind. You did it at least once. At some point you did not believe anything you heard about Jesus, and then at some point you changed your mind and began to believe what other humans were telling you about Jesus. Same with me - only it went both ways for me.

Let me start the discussion this way. Let us say for the sake of this discussion, you have children. Your children bad mouth you and steal your car. They are guilty. You have proof. So, you build a torture chamber in your basement and proceed to torture your children for their disobedience. You tie them up next to a hot fire, and poke them with hot irons - all because they disobeyed you - and you do this for as long as you are alive and able to do so - assuming your children live through all the torture.

I totally reject to the way you have decided to discipline your children, but you reply, "I'm their parent, and I can do whatever I want." To me, you're no different than the person that squashes a lizard just because you can. How is what your God does with eternal punishment in hell any different - with the exception of course that it is forever? How is that moral?

In The Night


Have you ever drifted off to sleep, but not quite fallen away completely?

Sure you have - it happens to all of us at one time or another. It happened to me the other night. As I fell into that zone where I was half-awake and half-asleep I had an idea. At first, it was just the barest kernel of an idea. It was a gold nugget muddied in the stream of sleep. Slowly, the sleep-sand washed away and the idea focused into beautiful clarity.

It was about seeking the truth and reporting what I find right here on my blog. It was all so clear, and so perfect, and so easy to understand. I swore to myself right there in the twilight of my almost-sleep that I'd begin working on this new and exciting project first thing in the morning. I almost snapped on the light to jot down this new crystal-clarity, but I did not.

And then, it was gone. The idea. The clarity. I got up that morning and set to my normal routine with no further thought about the perfect idea for truth-seeking. At some point during the day, I remembered the dream. But the only thing I could draw into focus was how the idea was about truth seeking.

The crystal-clear details, the brilliant gold portion of the idea - all gone. It has not returned either. My last blog - it was a blog that told you of the longing that permeates my being - a yearning for the truth. I told you of how I don't see it much anymore. I see lies everywhere, and for a long time now that has been the case. Lies from local, state and federal politicians are common-place.

We accept lies now as if they are no more important than a tick of the clock. I see lies at work out of coworkers. Lies that directly affect people's lives. I see lies from neighbors as they cheat on their spouses and pursue lifestyles they cannot possibly afford - lying to themselves about their income and their stature and their ability to keep a promise.

I don't know what my idea was in that twilight sleep-zone. It's gone. I can almost reach out and touch it in the dark, but not quite. I hope it returns to me, and that I will be wise enough to snap on the light and jot down the basics of the idea.

At the other end of things, maybe it was all a dream. Wishing for honesty and truth and goodness between us - just a dream - so I suppose it is fitting that this wonderful, bright, beautiful gold-kissed and sun-warmed idea should be just a dream. That must be what happened. There is no idea for the truth, and I lie to myself in thinking so.

I do know that we need a reset. A total, complete reset. Smashmouth has a song, Satellite, I believe. There is a lyric in that song, "You pushed the reset button on the counter of my heart," that sounds sort of silly in this context, but I believe we all need to push that reset button.

Maybe somehow help each other push it.