Friday, October 14, 2011

Between Darkness & Light

That seems to be where I find myself these days.  Look, you two regular readers know that I’ve been pretty happy of late – and it is true – I have been. 
I suppose it is a test of faith when one hears that his son will be in Afghanistan within three weeks.  It surely is, and I’m still not sure I can pass the test.  I struggle daily with fear – fear for his safety, fear for what could happen and how if something were to happen, what smothering, choking blackness it would rain down upon my wife and me.  Such matters are really just too terrible to contemplate, yet those very thoughts constantly weigh on my mind.  Some nights I wake up and think about my son being shot or maimed, or captured, and I do not go back to sleep. 
Words often fail me.  Such is the case now.  There is much I wish to say, yet I’m not sure I can find the words.  Worse, I’m not sure I want to see my thoughts written.  Somehow, if I write them out, it seems like I’m giving my doubts too much credit. 
I wish I had something profound for you – some insightful way in which to tell you how I know, in the end, everything will be all right.  Maybe it will be, and maybe it won’t.  Caught between darkness & light. 

Monday, August 15, 2011

Oh Just All Kinds of Stuff!

My soldier son, Tim, is coming home tomorrow!  Yay!  He will be here for three and a half weeks!  Two weeks will be spent helping one of the local recruiters.  The last ten days he took leave and will be all ours.  He took that leave because he believes that he will be deployed to Afghanistan as soon as he arrives at his new station - Fort Benning, Georgia. 

I'm so proud of Tim.  It is weird for me, because I absolutely did not want him in the U.S. Army (or any service), but it is what he chose to do, and I could not convince him otherwise.  He did this all on his own.  In fact, I discouraged him from joining.  Yet, here we are.  Honestly, I do not condone these present wars and feel that the U.S., or any country for that matter, should only go to war as a last resort, and only when directly threatened.  With our lying politicians, one never knows what the truth is these days. 

On our addition of solar power to the house.  It is good!  It took almost two weeks into August for our local power company to finally get out and install the electric meter capable of reading power back into the grid, so August will end up not being a good gauge of how much money the solar power will save us, but I promise I will let you know as soon as I have solid data. 

My walk with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ:  I have grown.  My wife has grown.  We pray together every single night.  We never did that before my fall some ten years ago.  I'm not sure I have ever been more happy than I am right now.  We have seen SO MUCH answered prayer over the past few months.  It grieves me to no end that I tried to live ten years of my life as an agnostic. 

Politics.  I have, lately, discovered that I am a man without a political party.  I truly believe in the Jeffersonian vision that our society should offer a quality education to every single one of us.  Additionally, I believe that a just and merciful society should provide some basic level of health care for all of its citizens.  I really like Ron Paul, but he is not the total answer.  I don't know that anyone ever will be "the total answer."

So, told you this blog was all over the place!  And I could ramble on (lots of stuff happening) but I won't.  I hope you readers are well - all two of you!  :-)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Drama in Real Life - Lost in the High Desert

(Author note: I wrote this for a facebook page I started for my friend, Tim.  Tim and his father were killed in a housefire a few years ago.)

Tim and I used to quail hunt on the back side of the China Lake ranges. We'd get there by driving north up 395 to the Death Valley turn off. Turning right, we'd cross the several-miles-long-edge of Owen's Lake, heading east, then turn right again and head south for a few miles to yet another right turn – which was an non-descript, typical, unmarked dirt road that led some miles back into wild country called Centennial Springs. There was an old miner’s shack up there, and we’d move into that for a day or two. It had a crude, flimsy table built into the back wall, and an even cruder fireplace, but it was all serviceable – made doubly so by our youth and any opportunity to escape the suburbs.

The quail hunting was usually good up there on the plateaus - plateaus made mostly of volcanic rocks piled up from some long ago volcanic explosion. The whole area was once volcanically active, and we were literally walking and hunting on ancient, pyroclastic flows. The vegetation consisted mostly of creosote bushes. The occasional sage brush lent a clean, appealing smell to the air.

I know a couple of things about this trip that can help date it. I can date it to 1977 because I had my brand new shotgun my pop gave me for my 16th birthday. Now, my birthday is in late September, and as you’re going to hear in a minute, we got cold up there hunting, so it was probably late October or maybe even November. I don’t remember exactly when quail season is out there in California, so I can’t date this trip exactly. There were some patches of snow on the ground during this trip, so it might have even been December or early 1978.

Anyhow, get to it, John! OK, I am.

After arriving and setting up the shack, we had a meal and then set out on a hunt. The way I remember it, we didn’t see any quail. But, as we scoured the high plateaus looking for them, it got late, and we had miscalculated the time the sun set - or more likely just weren't paying close enough attention to the matter.  Hey, we were young and had shotguns and had quail to hunt. Planning sunset time was not our strong suit. Anyhow, as it is wont to do during the winter, dusk made its appearance with little warning. We started for the camp, but got caught coming down a very steep cliff face – in the dark – with patches of snow here and there. Not. Good.

We literally had to feel our way down this slope. Tim was our guide. He was a bit older, and pretty much a big brother to me. We finally found our way down. (Later, once in daylight, I figured out that I had scarred up the wood on the butt of my shotgun as I used it as a makeshift cane while coming down that steep, rocky slope.) Tim kept encouraging us (my little brother was along too) the whole way down.

Once down, we had another problem. It was so dark that we really couldn’t tell in what direction we should walk. We found a dirt road, but had no way in which to orient ourselves to our camp’s direction. Tim to the rescue. He said, “I’m not 100% sure, but I think we need to go this direction.” He pointed, but we couldn’t see where he was pointing. Yep, it was that dark. He started off, and we followed. We had no choice but to walk slowly as we just could not see but a few feet in any direction. Coyotes were howling nearby and it was cold. We walked on. I think Tim was part Indian (seriously, I think he was part Indian), as he kept walking and saying stuff like, “Come on. I know the way. We’ll get back. Just keep following me.” Then, “I know we are going the right way.” We all shivered and kept walking. Soon we came to a fork in the dirt road we were walking. Tim said, “I know where we are. Camp is this way.”

Yeah, we found our way back – thanks to Tim. He never panicked. My brother and I got a little scared coming down that rocky slope in the dark. And then again when trudging that dirt road in the pitch black, but Tim stayed cool (literally) and got us back.

He was a natural outdoorsman. He loved to hunt and be in the mountains. I miss our hunting trips. I still have that model 1200 Winchester my dad gave me for my birthday. It sits in the corner of my bedroom. A shotgun is the best home defense weapon one can put forth. Every time I see those scars in the wood of the butt-stock, I think of that trip up to those cold, high plateaus. I think of Tim and his confidence and leadership in getting us down the slope and back to the warmth of that miner’s shack.

We ate some Dinty Moore stew for supper, and as a warm fire crackled in the shack’s fireplace, we had a good laugh and made like we weren’t scared out there in the cold dark. That night, we slept well in our hand-me-down, World War II, G.I. issue sleeping bags.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Hey, Hey - I got something to say!

It is strange living in a house with no children.  Once my last son left for the Army, it sure got quiet around here.  I'll tell you something else too.  It got cheaper.  And we make a whole lot less trash.  This past Tuesday when I took the can down to the road for pick up, there was two sacks of garbage in the can. 

We went totally solar last week.  We invested in solar power, solar hot water, and had a solar attic fan installed.  We actually have enough solar electricity to turn the JEA meter backwards.  I figured, what with the cost of power guaranteed to never go down, why not spend $25,000 now.  I borrowed (at 3%) $20,000, and put down in cash the rest.  So, for a few years, I'll be paying $350 a month to pay back the loan.  In effect, I've guaranteed my power costs for years. 

I'll let you know how it all turns out once we start getting JEA bills.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Still Breathing

Hello, reader(s)!  So, how are you?  I hope everything is going well with you.  No blog from me for a long time.  I can't explain it.  Well, I guess I can, but it makes no sense to me.  You know, I once wrote and had published a novel.  It's still around too.  If you knew my name, you could find it on Amazon.  Yet, here I am - barely able to write a few paragraphs for an almost unread blog.  In the final analysis, I guess I just have not felt like writing.  My second book has been "in-work" for 5 years now.  It was exactly 5 years ago, almost to the day, that my first novel was published and released. 

I'm OK.  Really.  I'm still recovering from the trauma of last summer, but I am much better.  If you wish to know what I mean, read the blogs below from about a year ago. 

I believe that I have found my place within Christianity.  I'll explain more later. 

Friday, April 08, 2011

Eventually...

Eventually, I should write a new blog.  It's been too long.  I promise my best blogging is ahead of me!

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Driving Mr. Timothy

Howdy. 

My son graduates from basic training in a few days.  We're driving to Columbia, South Carolina to watch the ceremony.  After that he goes to Huntsville, Alabama to begin his EOD training.  He'll be there for about 11 weeks.  Following that, he goes to Eglin Air Force Base to complete his EOD training.  He'll be at Eglin for about 7 months. 

Interestingly enough, the EOD school at Eglin is run by the Navy.  All four service branches send their EOD candidates through this school.  Navy SEALs attend this same school.  It is very demanding training.  Apparently, EOD folks are considered an elite branch of service. 

My son called today, and of course it was wonderful to hear from him.  He now says he wants to go Airborne after his EOD training.  I'm all for it in that I want him to do what he wants to do.  I still wish he had not went into the military, but he has and I can't do anything about it.  I figure he might as well be with the more elite groups.  That way he is with people that want to be there.  I'd rather the guy watching his back is a guy that wants to be there.  Know what I mean? 

I've turned him over to God.  In fact, I've turned it all over to God.  I can worry myself to death over all of the crazy things going on in this world, or I can draw on my faith that God has it all under control.  I believe God does have it all under control - down to the levels of particles so small that physicists can only infer they are there via the effects they have on the stuff they can prove is there. 

So, that's where I am these days.  I'm looking forward to the trip to South Carolina.  We're going to bring him home for a couple of days, and then drive him up to Huntsville next Saturday.  Our current understanding is that he has to report by Sunday evening.  It's going to be a busy week.  Wish me luck!  And if you pray - pray for Tim's safety, and while you're at it, send one up for us as we travel around 1500 miles in the span of five days.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Well...

Hey, look at me.  Blogging.  What has it been - almost five months? 

I'm OK, but today is a rough day.  My son, home from the Army on Christmas leave, goes back to the Army later today.  I'm super grateful for the time we have had with him.  Let me assure you that his leaving doesn't get any easier just because we've been through this before.  A friend told me recently that it never gets any easier.  That was not what I wanted to hear - but I know she was just telling me the truth as she has lived it. 

Honestly, I have not felt motivated to write anything - and that for a long time.  That's pretty strange for a so-called writer.  I wish I could explain it, but I just can't.  Sometimes there is just nothing to say, or it is just better not to say anything.

But I want you to know that I'm going along pretty well.  I have made the decision to move beyond believing.  Let me explain.  I've always sort of known that there are two levels to being a Christian.  There is the believing level - a critical level for sure - and then there is the discipleship level.  I have made the decision to be a disciple.  I made that decision on December 6th.  Since that day, I have been under relentless spiritual attack.  I'm not so sure I ever really believed in the devil, or all of the things that I had heard and read about this malovent spiritual being, but I do very much believe now.  

But my promise to you is that I will never be an offensive Christian.  I will never judge you if you do not believe.  In fact, if you're reading this, and you do not believe, I want to be your friend.  I will not bring up Christianity with my every sentence when I come and comment on your blog.  Here on my blog, I will blog whatever is on my heart - you can read or not - but I promise to be your friend and to be circumspect with how I approach you and your blog.  If you pray, please pray for my son's safety.  His name is Timothy - or Tim if you prefer.  Thank you for reading.