That seems to be where I find myself these days. Look, you two regular readers know that I’ve been pretty happy of late – and it is true – I have been.
I suppose it is a test of faith when one hears that his son will be in Afghanistan within three weeks. It surely is, and I’m still not sure I can pass the test. I struggle daily with fear – fear for his safety, fear for what could happen and how if something were to happen, what smothering, choking blackness it would rain down upon my wife and me. Such matters are really just too terrible to contemplate, yet those very thoughts constantly weigh on my mind. Some nights I wake up and think about my son being shot or maimed, or captured, and I do not go back to sleep.
Words often fail me. Such is the case now. There is much I wish to say, yet I’m not sure I can find the words. Worse, I’m not sure I want to see my thoughts written. Somehow, if I write them out, it seems like I’m giving my doubts too much credit.
I wish I had something profound for you – some insightful way in which to tell you how I know, in the end, everything will be all right. Maybe it will be, and maybe it won’t. Caught between darkness & light.
4 comments:
Hey Sweetie,
Your post is so touching...and the fear you feel breaks me heart...yet, if I had a child and he was at war I can not imagine the extreme fear or the constant worry I'd be under. All I can say to you is...I will keep your boy safe in me thoughts and put a protective light around him and pray a lot for his SAFE return...and I mean this from me heart.
big hugs
Hawk
Your fears are natural, Johnny. He'll always be your boy, but he's a man too, and you can be proud that you raised a man with the courage to make his own choices and take his own path.
Well, you two will NOT believe what happened today. Not to long after getting off work and walking into the house, the phone rang. It was Tim. His upcoming deployment to Afghanistan has been CANCELLED. Can you believe that? It's practically unheard of these days, but that is the big news. Tim was disappointed. He wanted to go. I can't tell if he's brave or ignorant. Probably a bit of both. Anyhow, this was answered prayer. Now, we are just waiting to see what is next. We're going up to Columbus, Georgia to visit with him tomorrow for the weekend. We'll get more details about the "whys" and "what fors" once there.
Now that is a surprise, Johnny. Enjoy your time together.
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